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Wednesday, December 12th, 2007
10:30 pm - Once upon a time...
tesra Once upon a time, there was a girl. She was young, and spent rather too much time around adults. So when her father's friend started paying more attention to her, she liked it - it was nice to have someone who would play with her. But then the play changed. Ticklefights and wrestling increased, and sometimes he would just hang onto her tightly for no reason she could see. She was confused at first, and a little uncomfortable, but there wasn't anything wrong that he was doing for her to put her finger on. Then the touches increased, and she realized that this wasn't normal, but still didn't understand what was going on. And then, one day, she saw him shaking as she pulled away, and she realized something. She wasn't sure why he wanted to touch her, but it was clear that he wanted it very badly, and it was entirely up to her whether to deny him or grant him that touch. If he angered her, she'd scamper away and not give him the chance. If he pleased her, she'd stick around for him to do what he so desperately desired. In a world of adults telling her what to do, here was a situation where she had control. And thus she learned about power. And she liked it.

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Thursday, November 8th, 2007
11:03 pm
ohgreatcalamity i'm not in love with my fiance. i love him... but i'm not going to marry him. and he doesn't know.


current mood: drained

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Wednesday, August 9th, 2006
3:57 am

I fall too easily for guys, and when i do its always for the wrong guy.

I told all my friends that i'm over my ex boyfriend, but i don't know if i really am, every now and then i miss him, but i think its normal for me to miss the way we used to be.

And I think i might be falling for the boy next door. But i'm so used to being turned down that i don't know if i should even go for it. i'm just afraid that he see's me as more of a sister then as mroe then that.

I just don't want to get hurt again.

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3:01 pm - first time confession...

I am in love with a guy.  And he is not my boyfriend.  He has a girlfriend.  But he's been flirting with me.  For ages now.  And there is something between us...I don't know what.  And I am tempted, so tempted, to be with him.  To see what it'd be like.  I don't know if he actually would.  If he'd actually follow through.  I guess this feeling has always been there.  For both of us.  I don't know how serious he is though, when he says such things.  

And I have had thoughts about it.  About what it would be like to be with him.

I shouldn't think these things.  I have a boyfriend who loves me very much.

But o God I am in love.

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Saturday, July 8th, 2006
5:35 pm


whenever i see people talking on cell phones in a foreign language it seems strange to me for a second that the cellphones work with other languages.

when i cross the street and there is a walk button, i press it many times, thinking it can detect how intensely i want to get to the other side of the street.

when i am on the 43 going towards UCSF and standing up i look at the good seats facing forward and try to figure out who looks sick and stand next to them.

my cat has taken to licking the water out of the tub, and today jumped in the shower and got rained on for a second without caring. she even licked the tub for a second.

there is nothing i care about that much so i think i'll never get a tattoo.

sometimes i think i can't be myself if i don't know who i am.

things that are supposed to be fun, like parties or sunny days, sometimes make me depressed.

i have fun when i'm doing something i'm not supposed to.

i've stood on my roof by myself and dropped pennies on strangers.

i wish there was porn where people loved each other.

when i check the news and nothing bad has happened i feel dissapointed.

sometimes i think terrorism is exciting.

i wonder if dying is worse than we imagine it to be.

i think i will marry the first girl who asks.

i wonder if parents love their children because they do or because they are supposed to.

if i was telepathic i'd constantly tell people what they wanted to hear.

if i ever became an astronaut and went to the moon, i imagine when i came back i'd be really arrogant.

one time my brother tried out to be in this porn and he said he had to shave all the hair off his body and told me how painful it was to shave his balls. the next day i got really bad razor burn with my new razor and then remembered about him shaving the hair off his body.

It's better to start of the day with false hope so at the end you are dissappointed rather than depressed.

People who whistle piss me off and I imagine hurting them.

I used to own only two movies, "Back to the Future" and "The Road Warrior." so i have memorized them.

My mom told my brother about sex after watching an episode of Webster, but made me sit in the other room and I listened at the crack in the door, and it was horrifying to hear my mom use the words penis and vagina.

They then put "the growing up book for boys" on top of the toilet and on one page there was a testicle chart that you were supposed to lay your testicles on to see how far along you've come, but i'd always imagine my brother had put his testicles on the book so i never tried it.

when I was a kid my friends and I found an injured bat so we decided to put it out of it's misery by throwing a slab of concrete onto it. They asked me to do it. I threw the slab onto the bat and it started screaming even louder, and it was smashed to pieces and still alive. I smashed it again and it died.

during that same period, when we found some bullets, we threw rocks onto the bullets hoping they'd explode and they didn't.

sometimes when I see a cute girl say hi to me i think she is a drag queen.

I make more flashcards than I use.

I cry when I read sad poetry or read sad books or listen to sad music or watch sad movies.

I am 26 and single and feel kind of stupid like I should be married by now but when I see the people who are married I am glad that I am single.

The other day I pictured a suicide bomber blowing up a trolley car and thought it was funny.

I have a feeling that the people who say they prefer sex to love are lying.

I always wanted a Power Wheel but now it is too late.

I used to be in love with Paula Abdul and I recorded "Straight Up" on a vcr tape and my brother found it and made fun of me endlessly.

If my brother is with my cousin Amanda I feel like I am in a time warp and they can make fun of me all over again like I am a kid and I can't snap out of it, I can't remember how old I am.

it is better to live than to die, even when life is bad.

i get up in the middle of the night to check my myspace. when i see i have no new messages, i check my sent messages to see if they have been read. if they've been read and not replied to i have a hard time going to bed because i feel i've said something offensive. this all takes place at 4 am in this half asleep haze.

i'm more afraid of doing something wrong than i am afraid of not doing something right and that makes me kind of a coward. i need to change that.

one day i want to take a fashion class so i know how to dress and for someone to tell me exactly what to wear because i am not an individual i am a phantom i have no clue what i am doing, if i were to dress like i feel i would be wearing sack cloth and ashes. but i can picture myself in a suit looking condescending.

 don’t know how to jog. i bought running shoes once but i would run in front of a mirror and think it looked wrong. one day i broke down and ran to the beach and felt stupid and almost vomited because i sprinted the whole way.

i want to learn computer programming so i can learn why the books are so thick.

when i read helen keller’s “story of my life” i kept fantasizing about sleeping with her.

when i see earthworm’s trapped on the sidewalk i pick them up and put them back on the grass.

one time riding my bike home from work after a rain there were so many earthworms i didn’t pick one up and it tore me apart and i kept thinking that sidewalks are a bad invention.

whenever i’m on an escalator going down i picture my shoelaces getting caught and then my leg getting ripped off. every time i picture this.

i don’t know why there are so many computer programming languages.

i wonder if robots will write better than humans.

the other day i wore no underwear while doing laundry and it made me feel like a deviant.

i would say no to an orgy because it’s difficult to even talk to more than one person.

i wonder what the inside of a silk factory looks like.

sometimes when i look at a stranger on the bus i picture their parents having sex on the night of their conception.

when i ponder case and tense in italian i feel like einstein thinking about space and time in that i have to give up the ground i walk on.

if virtual reality existed i would have sex three quarters of my time and kill dragons one quarter of my time.

if i could breathe underwater i would never get used to it.

if i was a bird i’d be afraid to fly too high and i’d always fly close to ledges.

when i am stressed out i imagine what would happen if i vanished in a puff of smoke.

i wonder if the girls on the internet who have sex with animals end up in mental hospitals.

i wonder how much someone gets paid to have experimental brain surgery done on them.

sometimes i try to imagine what women think about during sex and can’t.

sometimes i wonder if i was gay what movie stars i would be attracted to. i think leonardo dicaprio and that elf from lord of the rings. and maybe bruce willis but maybe that’s just because i think he’s awesome.

i have two recurring dreams. in one i play the trumpet again. in another i have a paper route and i am the age i am now and even though people make fun of me i am happy because i can walk around and take my time and day dream and spy on people in their windows.

i want to go to war and kill people so when i came back and people ask me about the war i can tell them i can’t talk about it. i also think people might take me more seriously.

sometimes i think we are nothing but atoms and the universe was an accident.

sometimes i think i am wrong.

when i was a kid i wrote a letter once that started, “Dear Physicist: I want to see an atom bomb blow up…” but I wasn’t sure where to send it.

if someone says, “i love you” to me, even if they don’t mean it, i usually fall in love in return in about two days after thinking about it.

sometimes when i have insomnia i picture this teacher i had laying next to me and i can sleep. i picture her in her t-shirt and jeans. we don’t do anything, or even spoon. she’s just laying there. i remember one day i told her that i wasn’t sure what i wanted to do with my life, and she told me to come to office hours, but i was afraid to. but then one day i ran into her in the park and she was by herself and she told me about life as the sun was going down on her face and ever since then i feel like she is warm as sunlight and i pretend i don’t see her because i think i might smile too much.

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Friday, October 28th, 2005
8:06 am

i found pictures of the stripper my ex had sex with on his computer.

it's not much of a confession, but i had to get it off my chest. thank you.

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Tuesday, July 12th, 2005
1:22 pm

I have so much to confess.. i think it will help to get this off my chest (this is my first time confessing)

(1)I am in love with a guy, but he has a girlfriend :( but i so want to break them up. I wouldnt care for her as ive never met her. i just want to have him to myself. They have only been going out a month...

(2)I hate my sister SO SO SO SO SO VERY much.. i have thoughts of killing her sometimes. But whats wrong with a little fantasy right? its not like ever do it

(3)I have lied to my friends about something VERY significant. I feel very guilty and wish i had never said it in the first place. I didnt expect them to believe me but now they do and i have to keep up the lying. I feel so bad

(4) i am a bulimic and have been so for 12 months now

(5) I used to be a compulsive shoplifter.. until i was caught

(6) I have stolen money from my parents :( i feel bad. they dont know but i hope to pay them back one day

My whole life is one big sin. I hate everything but most of all i hate myself...

current mood: guilty

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Wednesday, May 25th, 2005
10:44 am - Newbie!


Forgive me LJ for I have sinned.  This is my first post here.

-My graduation is on Friday and I am honestly pondering suicide over it

-I am secretly head-over-heels in love with my teacher and I can never tell him...

-I drank I dont' know how much beer last night (& I'm underage)

-I have a spanking/corporal punishment fetish

-I want to kill my sister's kittens

current mood: stressed

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Thursday, February 17th, 2005
8:06 pm

I'm in love with a girl.

Last night I got totally drunk and was feeling unwanted because I was at a club and no one was attracted to me slightly. So I text messaged her. We're friends, and at first, they were just depressed messages about how I'm unwanted. Then I drunk even more and messaged her that I loved her. I told her so much, as well as making her aware that I was totally drunk. I also mentioned that I was going to drive my car home later. She basically tried to let me down for the fact she didn't love me. As well as tried to make me not drive.

I ended up feeling even worse, and said I couldn't stand living when the girl you love doesn't love you. She kept trying to stop me from driving while drunk (I was very very drunk)

I eventually got home, and then I found out I basically ruined her night she was supposed to be studying because she had a major test/essay the next day. Instead she spent the night up worrying about me. In the morning, I sobered up and realised that since she didn't love me, then I could use being drunk as an excuse. I said it, now she's angry at me, because I made her worry partially over nothing. I don't know if she believes me or not, but I think she did.

I've wanted to say this so much.

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Tuesday, December 7th, 2004
11:14 pm

I'm a solitary eclectic, witchcraft practicing Pagan and I really, really, really like Charmed.  In fact, it's my favourite show.

current mood: amused

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Wednesday, November 10th, 2004
6:08 pm

I've been trying to sabotage this relationship involving this girl I love for the past year. For some reason, its destruction evades me. I don't feel bad about it, I just don't talk about it too publicly.

current mood: contemplative

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Saturday, July 17th, 2004
10:41 am - First confession...

Forgive me, LJ, for I have sinned.
It's been my first confession ever, because I am not a journal Catholic...but the burden of my secret is too great to keep inside.
Even though I swore never to talk to Andrew again...I've been talking to him lately. I feel so bad about it. I know I was supposed to tell him that things were over between us and that I hated the idea of friends with benefits...but in a way, I still love. Even after all the shit he put me through. Give me the strength to tell him no, so that his idea of sexual acts between us will stop once and for all.

current mood: annoyed

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Friday, July 16th, 2004
10:12 am - :)

Hi...I'm new to this community. Hope to make some new friends and make the best of my summer, and confess all my secrets before they drive me mad lol.

current mood: blah

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Monday, May 31st, 2004
2:15 pm

My roommate walked in and almost caught me masturbating, so I went and finished in the shower.  Most of the videos on my computer are now hentai (anime porn).  And I think that I might have a tiny crush on a gay friend of mine.

current mood: surprised

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Sunday, May 30th, 2004
6:38 pm - Damn, I've been a naughty girl

Forgive me oh God and Goddess for I evidently have a lot to confess.  I leave my dorm room windows open all the time, and I enjoy the fact that someone passing by could hear me, um, pleasuring myself since I'm a loud moaner.

current mood: embarrassed

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6:06 pm - Confession time again?

I just went to www.goodgoth.com as was suggested, and I got turned on just by browsing.  Is that weird?  And my Christmas/Yule wish list is rather long now.  Maybe if I'm a naughty girl...  ;P

current mood: confused

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5:05 pm


Hello all, new here.  Hrm...  let's see here. 

I have a crush on one of my best friends who is dating a girl from his home town area back in California.

I am an alcoholic.

I have an addiction to hentai.

I'm addicted to roleplay (as in RPG, not fetish).

Bondage and domination are my kinks.  I even have problems getting off without imagining it in my head.

Women turn me on, but I fall in love with guys.  (Yea, it's weird, don't ask).

I have borderline personality disorder.

I'm a Pagan who practices witchcraft, and my Catholic family doesn't know.

Ok, I think that's good enough for now.

current mood: amused

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Tuesday, April 27th, 2004
3:28 pm - New here.

Hey everyone... I am new at this community.... I would love to make new friends here.... I have some confessions that I'd love to say that I've never told anyone before...It might help...

-I confess that sometimes I hate my boyfriend.

-I confess that I have had phone sex with my best friend Andrew while going out with my boyfriend (joey).

-I confess I am having other feelings for a different guy.

-I confess that I have cheated on my french test before.

-I confess that I've lied about stupid things.

Thats all I can think to confess.. Tell me what you guys think.... Do you want me to do a layout for this community?



current mood: sick

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Saturday, December 27th, 2003
7:15 pm

I confess that I like Clay Aiken's "Invisible".
*hangs head in shame*

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Wednesday, October 1st, 2003
8:04 pm - I confess...
eviltwin07 in real life, i appear to be the good-girl to compete with all good-girls. other than my problem controlling my use of curse-words. i'm trying to kick it. but sometimes it just feels so good to scream FUCK at the top of my lungs when i'm so agitated at everything.

i also confess that, though on the outside i'm a churchgoer that you'd expect to stay pure until married, i'm now practically a nymphomaniac. i'm no longer a virgin which very few people know. i love sex. i'd do it all day if my boyfriend could handle it. two days ago i pulled out all the stops and fucked him so long, so well, and so many times that HE turned it down when i wanted more. he was sexed-out! well, coming that many times is pretty tiring, i know that.

i'm a good girl. my evil side's just too good sometimes.

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